Since most relationship problems are rooted in communications that are either avoided, forced or misinterpreted, the purpose is to provide a emotional experience that allows each person to feel safe enough to consciously nurture a quality relationship in which the emotional needs of each person are reciprocally honored and fulfilled through natural giving. To give naturally means to give from a place of love or joy, rather than fear or guilt or shame. The conscious intent to express your love in what you choose to say, and especially how you say and act toward the other is conscious-love.
When you communicate with conscious-love you employ the inner capacity you have to choose to express your love in ways that stretch you, even when you may not ?feel? like doing so, in order to consciously nurture and protect your relationship?and do so in a way that honors your own and the other?s dignity. It is an understanding that, most often, when you consciously act to promote the highest good in your relationship, it is ultimately in your benefit to do so.
8 Attributes of Conscious-Talking?
Communication that is effective consciously seeks to nurture, heal and grow healthy, mutually enriching, intimately strong relationships. In conscious-talking, you consciously seek to structure your communication in a way that will make it most likely heard, understood by the other. This way of talking consists of the following attributes:
1. Know your purpose, what you need from the other and want to say.
A conscious understanding of what you want the other to clearly understand, makes it more possible to articulate what you want to say, thus, more likely to obtain the shared understanding and perhaps even resolution you desire. Without this, there is a risk of getting stuck in old programs, i.e., complaining about what is lacking, blaming the other, or competing for status of ?who?s more victimized,? ?etc. Clarity allows you to avoid going around in circles, ongoing unresolved conflicts, ambiguity, waste of energy and time.
So, before you set a time to sit down and talk, ask yourself the following questions: What do you need from the other by your communication? What is the purpose of your communication? Do you know what you want the other to better understand you? Do you want recognition fo frustration or pain you want to share? Do you know what you want from the other as a response, ideally? If possible, especially for sensitive issues, write down what you want to say and revise it as necessary based on the guidelines of Conscious-Communication.
2. Know your body language and behaviors.
Your body conveys more information about you than your words. One of the goals in conscious communication is to purposefully use your body language to let the other know you care and value them as persons. If you avoid eye contact, or turn your body away from the other, for example, this signals disinterest in the other. So, you want to convey instead that you value and respect the other. When you do, the other is more likely to listen and seek to understand you because they feel safe. This also increases the chances that the other will do the same for you, thus, opening up the possibility for mutual understanding, validation and resolution. So, take time to become aware of body language. Do you know what you are nonverbally communicating by the way you sit, stand, your voice, mannerisms, facial gestures and so on? Does your body language say you are interested in the concerns of the other or resolving an issue, or does it say the opposite? Does your body language send a message that assures the other?s sense of safety by conveying that you care about the other as a person? Does the other feel valued, respected and important by the way you present yourself.
3. ?Share your thoughts and feelings, clearly.
Once you know what you want to say, then you want to convey it as clearly as possible. The ?more clarity you have in what you want to say and how you express it, the more you increase the speed with which you attain your relationship goals. Share thoughts and feelings concisely. Avoid long explanations or repeating the same message over again. Be brief as possible. Focus on what you want to convey specifically. Include brief examples, when necessary. Avoid lectures or lengthy speeches. Effective communication is about feeling heard and understood, not how much you say. Make requests. Be specific and concrete. Avoid being vague or too abstract. Do not hint at what you want or expect the other to mind read, and be aware of any old tendency to do so.
4. Share thoughts and feelings, slowly.
When it comes to relationships, slow is fast, and fast is slow. This applies to your communications as well. When you talk fast, your words tend to blurt out faster than your mind can think. You may also be speaking faster than the other?s mind can think or process. When you hurry your talking, you hurry your thinking, and indeed may not be thinking at all, you may be speaking from the part of the brain (the subconscious mind!) that contains old recorded programs that seem to be ?thinking? yet are not. The more hurried you feel the less awareness you have of what is really going on inside you, that is, your thoughts, feelings, needs. In turn, the less clarity, the slower it seems to take to reach your destination. ?A pressured description risks triggering intense and painful emotions, and can be as toxic to the emotions as gulping down a greasy, starchy meal is to the body.
5. Express painful emotions assertively.
Communicate your frustrations in ways that let the other know you are in charge of your emotions, and that what is most important to you is remaining calm, confident and centered and in charge of yourself?and life. This sends a twofold message to other that: (1) you are in charge and not what the other says or does; and (2) you honor the other?s right and need to be in charge of themselves. Thus, you avoid judgments, criticisms, blame, attacks or complaints, and instead send communications that include four essential parts: your thoughts from your perspective (free of judgments), your feelings, your core emotional needs in the situation, and at least one request. When you express yourself assertively, you stand up for yourself in a way that honors your own and the other?s dignity. That is a powerful feel good. You each have a clear sense of your own responsibility in the matter. You feel safe enough to accept and thoughtfully process criticism from others without defensiveness. And, you know how and when to give apologies.
6. Be conscious of timing.
Timing can make a big difference. It can be just as important as how and what you say. For example, it is usually not a good idea to bring up sensitive issues right before a meal when blood sugar is low, or just before you or the other leave for work, or when one of you is not having a good day. It is also not a good idea to bring up issues in the heat of the moment, when you are angry and hurt. Instead, the act of scheduling a good time itself can be an important way to set the stage for a productive discussion.
7. Be aware of emotional meanings beneath your communications.
Your communications send both open and hidden messages. The open part consists of the words and content of what you say. The hidden part is what goes on beneath the words?the emotional undercurrent of what each person is instinctively yearning for in the interaction. What words you use and how you say them can carry emotional meanings that you may or may not want to send. It is important to become aware of these underlying meanings and the core emotional needs that interplay in all communications. Underlying messages can be either positive or negative.
These emotions are more powerful than the overt message because they go directly to the subconscious part of the brain that does all of the interpretations.
8. Keep the message positive and upbeat.
Maintain an upbeat overall attitude at critical moments in the communication to give assurance, and instill hope, belief in each other and the relationships. You can do so by conveying this positive attitude by making statements, such as ?each of us can do better? ? we are a team? ?we are on the same side? ?we?re in this together? ?there are no problems too big they cannot be solved? ?we love and value each other? ?I care about you? ?I believe in you, and me, and us together!?
In a nutshell, conscious communication, as a tool, energizes you to communicate authentically, consciously aware of what is going on inside of you, your feelings, thoughts, and needs, and an ?intention to remain empathically connected to self and the other. When you feel safe enough to be present, you will more likely express yourself authentically, in a way that you will more likely feel understood, listened to, validated and valued. Clear communication is a window into the world of the other and yourself.
Relationship consultant, author, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Athena Staik shows clients how to break free of anxiety, addictions, and other emotional blocks, to awaken radiantly healthy lives and relationships. Dr. Staik is currently in private practice in Northern VA, and writing her book, Safe Enough to Love?: Breaking Free of Addictive Love in Couple Relationships. To contact Dr. Staik for information, an appointment or workshop, visit www.drstaik.com, or visit on her Facebook fan page DrAthenaStaikLike this author?
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????Last reviewed: 16 Feb 2013
APA Reference
Staik, A. (2013). Conscious Communication, 1 of 2: Eight Attributes of Conscious-Talking. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 17, 2013, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2013/02/conscious-communication-1-of-2-eight-attributes-of-conscious-talking/
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